Identity and Productivity

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Missionary Lives

By Paul McKaughan ⋅ July 13, 2008 ⋅

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Dave was one of the top mission leaders of his generation. He shared in most of the major “modern” missiological milestones as a leader, teacher and writer. Many of today’s mission leaders would say that this giant had been a significant influence on their lives and ministries. For more than a few, he was acknowledged as a cherished mentor. Today his age is somewhere between 80 and 85 well-lived years. Dave is isolated and largely an afterthought. As we visited, I found him hungry for news of people and missions he had once led. His mind is razor sharp, but physical limitations and the care of his dependent spouse have shrunk his once global universe to the world of the apartment they live in and infrequent visits from family. Heaven for Dave represents a very real, anticipated, and welcome release.

“Dave” is not his real name, but he is part of a cohort of generational mission heroes who for years existed outside my field of vision. The excitement and organizational challenges of ministry occupied all my attention. However, as Jo and I have traveled the country, the “Daves” have become very real, a part of our lives and even, perhaps, harbingers of what we will also experience one day.

As I was going through several surgeries at the end of this past year, the issues of identity and self worth surfaced. Questions about my future usefulness and ministry productivity were ones that dogged me. Being a “servant” that adds kingdom value was the big deal. Time and again I noticed a pervasive restlessness in my inner core. Getting back to our active ministry pushed these productive and identity issues to the back of my cognitive map.

However, questions about self worth and productivity were evidently deep in my subconscious. They would pop back uninvited and unwelcomed each time I would visit with another “Dave.” Who am I, and what am I worth, if my world is confined to some small apartment, if I can’t see to read, write, or if sickness restricts my world to a bed? For leaders these doubts often only seem to accompany one of God’s surprise physical interruptions or failure to perform up to our, or others’, expectations. Far too often my identity and feeling of self worth come from meeting performance or productivity standards.

As I talk to leaders, I find my feelings and doubts are not unique. We unconsciously draw an inordinate amount of our sense of self worth from what we do for the Kingdom. Perversely, I have found it much easier to reflect on God’s “grace,” and accept it, when I feel that I am “productive,” carrying my end of the load. This, however, is “works based” Christianity at its most oppressive. It is an expression of my sinful pride. Knowing something is wrong intellectually and feeling it in the inner core of ones’ soul are two different things. For God’s love and grace to be truly experienced I must first repent of my prideful performance = identity fixation.

“Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so” is not just a song for little kids. It is for leaders like you and like me, especially when we question our Kingdom productivity. These words have become a bulwark against debilitating self doubt. The Creator of the universe, loves me, chose me, adopted me into His royal family, not because I could add anything to His glory or eternal program; I can only gratefully acknowledge this love and His incomprehensible greatness. I can dwell on the awesome truth of this grace, and in faith bow before Him in gratitude. He loves me even if I can’t do anything but worship at His feet. Cultivating an intimacy with my Father has become much more relevant as I can see eternity with Him over the next hill or around life’s next bend.

One final thought, though, in all of life’s limitations He is conforming me to the image of His Son, Jesus. How confining must humanity, time and space, have been for the One who created the vast cosmic universe? The love of His Father was a huge sustaining factor in Christ’s pilgrimage. I really want to learn these essential lessons, not to merely “get on with life” and “productive” ministry. I want to continue to become the person He is preparing me to be, whatever His plan is.

Oh, one more final, final thought, cultivate the “Dave’s” in your world. They have so much to teach us about life, ministry, and even about the reality of Heaven.